My Very Own Miracle

So where do I begin, these years of my life, the life I have lived have definitely not been a waste of time. I realize this, as I sit here contemplating on my past. The many memories, some good, some bad, some with motive and direction, others are a crazy mosaic of puzzling events, all which seem to blend in together, as I sit here trying to find mental peace.

Having been a byproduct of child abuse, dysfunctional parents and various self inflicting dilemmas, I can safely say, that I am able to now face the pain and I am ready to heal. I am thankful for every event in my life though, without them, I would not be where I am today. The hurt has turned into forgiveness, the pain a collection of lessons that will help me navigate the rest of my existence. The hurt that has turned into physical pain, has become a part of me, a reminder of where I have been, and a guidance to where I am going.

My one and only true love, taught me to care about another, instead of just myself. Prior to this, I knew only selfishness, bitterness, fear, anger and lack of hope. So much so, that I learned to numb myself with substances that would allow me to escape my unsafe world, transition being one of them. So why did I begin this detransition journey? Because of this love, which allowed me to free my self of my own self centeredness and lack of connection with others in the world. What a tragedy it was though, to fall in love with someone who belonged to someone else, whose life already had been taken, but that was not the worse of it, I was just a pawn in the scheme of their world.

What were the odds, that a woman like me who had been so tainted by the world, and who believed they felt attraction towards women, would fall in love with a man who believed himself to be a female. Now please understand, I am not trying to be hurtful here in anyway, I am just spilling out my guts on this blank page that I am filling up with words, words that are coming straight from my heart, a heart that has been broken without hesitation or care, when it trusted for the first time, these are my feelings and they are very valid.

Women, we tend to fall in love with the underdog, the lost puppy we find and bring home, wanting to heal it and make it ours. We believe we can fix things, you know, change them for the better. But in reality what ends up happening is we get our heart torn in to pieces, to then lose that sparkle in our eyes and the beat in our heart. The one man in the world that I fall in love with, not only came with baggage, but would only love me, if I played along with the game. This game I call identity corruption, which is playing a role that fulfills the inner void and creates escapism, in order to perform and deal with life. I got tired of the game, and wanted to feel normalcy once in my life. Having lived in the LGBT community since the age of 13, I was tired of the lifestyle that destroyed every bit of innocence I ever had. A lifestyle that takes everything away from you including your sense of dignity and proper thinking.

Most in this lifestyle will never admit this, its all they have, as dysfunctional as it is, its the only thing they own, so they will defend it till the end, unless it kills them first which for some, it has. You die a slow death, the drugs, the alcohol, the meaningless connections and the loss of everything you ever cared for including your self respect, all gets ripped right out of your very soul. We live in a world of illusion, thinking we are victims, yet we are our very own worse enemy and destructive force.

So you may ask what is my very own miracle all about, the title is not misleading? Well in-spite of it all, meeting this person who needed my assistance at the time, to make a long story short for those who don’t know the story, they had a tragic accident that deemed them disabled. I was the only person in the world that cared enough to take care of them, which in turn, turned on all my nurturing feelings and lead me to the realization that I am a woman and I am very much attracted to men. God has a sense of humor after all. I knew from the get go, that I could no longer continue living this lie, but I hid those needs of wanting to return to my original state of being a woman, in order to keep this love in my life. But to no avail, the relationship which was based on lies and was not built on solid ground, came to an end. It takes two to love, it takes honesty and lots of self reflection, communication and living in reality. So yes, there was a miracle, even though it was not a happy ending, but at least I know now what direction my life will go, I seek righteousness, normalness and the love of my heavenly Father whom I trust will guide my life in the direction he sees fit.

My only hope is that my life can help others heal and avoid losing so many years of their life to this disruptive monster that takes away everything we are and who we love. Please find true peace and a solution to your pain that will not create further destruction and dismantle the very solid ground you believe your life was built on.