No Fear Of Change Or Growth

I get lots of people trying to tell me that the way I have lived my life is wrong. Many go as far as to tell me to go seek help. I get that, I understand, from an outsider looking in, I may appear crazy, disheveled, and needing lots of psychological intervention. For most people Therapy works, and I am all for it if that is what you think you need to do. I learn through my mistakes, I may repeat them at times, sometimes I put myself through very challenging situations but I am never afraid to make mistakes and grow. I share my life online, it’s a live journal, and if I can help someone through my mess, then so be it.

This last U-turn I took was definitely no the right thing to do, I was on the right path for me, felt comfortable in my skin, and glorifying my heavenly father. But life happens, I am not going to place blame on anyone, it was my doing, and if I were to pinpoint why I backslid, I would say it was a combination of opening up Pandoras Box of Childhood trauma, by returning to the place the trauma took place and thinking I still had feelings for my ex, and we wanted to give it another try. That old song that says sometimes love is just not enough is very true. Some people are just not meant to be together, we were ships going against the current passing through. I don’t regret for a minute giving it another try, we know now that it was never meant to be, and I am fine with that.

For those of you who don’t believe in God, or are not really that committed, what I have done may seem crazy to you. But for those of us who hear him, know him and feel empty without him, what I did makes perfect sense. I was void without him in my life, and I felt convicted. Let me see if I can help you understand the feeling, imagine you are a child and you got lost at the mall, you are frightened and franticly looking for your parents but they are nowhere to be found, you feel scared, alone and troubled. Well for those of us who are connected to God, when we live a life away from his commandments and we know we are not pleasing him, life is void, we don’t feel his presence and that is hell.

Now I don’t want to go all religious on anyone, it’s a personal relationship and it’s up to you to develop it. I can’t however stay silent about my experience and what has taken place in my life. When all of you are relying on the earthly solutions, I rely on my God, the only reason I seem all over the place is because I leave him, and try to solve things on my own, engaging in earthly pleasures which always leads me in the wrong direction. So my therapist is God. For every mistake I make, I grow, Father makes sure of that.

When you have developed a personal relationship with Abba, and you know when the Holy Spirit our helper is around you, you feel safe and have no worries. When you know you can rely on his support and presence life is good. When you are living in sin, and place yourself before God, life is a living hell. Nothing feels right, nothing goes right, there is a very deep empty feeling inside. I personally don’t like that feeling. As of now that I have returned to my faith and have a wonderful relationship and communication with my Father, life flows easily. I have no fear or worries, he takes care of me. So let me see if I can get you to see what I mean. When you walk through life, you rely on people, sometimes your spouse, sometimes your children, if you are older, and sometimes your friends. When you have burnt bridges and no longer have a relationship with said people, you feel alone, scared, and wondering how you are going to manage life without them. Well without God there is nothing, he is everything. He created the stars, the planets, the Universe, the ground you walk on, the air you breathe, and the food you eat. He created you, every hair on your head, and every cell in your body. Without God, there is nothing. Don’t believe me ask yourself, why do you feel empty, depressed anxious, never happy, and always searching for the next best thing? It’s God you are missing.

Most people rely on earthly things, they believe that if they make lots of money, buy lots of toys, and get lots of credentials they will be happy. Just look around you, do people with great status seem happy to you? I am a simple person, minimalism is my thing. I used to have the house the cars, the business, I was surrounded by lots of money. All my clients were filthy rich and miserable, that is what started my path on minimalism. I wanted to be like them at one point till I realized how empty they were.

So I am not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me, nor am I looking for approval, I am too old, too tired, and have placed lots of mileage on this old body to really worry about what people think. I am just a woman who is trying to put the pieces of her life back together again after I have made a horrible mess of things. I share my life online, as a form of therapy, it’s a journal for me. I want to extend my gratitude towards those that have been kind, understanding, and gentle. I appreciate you more than you know, for those of you who love to criticize and have been nothing by a thorn in my side, I pray that you are never faced with any sort of problems, I pray that life treats you kind and that you are able to live in peace and in love.