Expression And Damnation

I have been full on Christianity 101 for the past 2 months or so, I have managed to alienate my sister, who by the way is hurt but forgave me and still loves me, and what I have learned has helped me see things differently in life today.  Paul and I are all about truth and are seekers of it as most of you can see, or not.

What we have learned is that there are some really good slogans and versus used to tame the sheep and keep them in order. I have seen people really struggle with their life and are told that who they are and how they live is wrong, yet no true solution is offered, except of course: “keep your eyes on Jesus”, “He love you and died on the cross for you”. So how is that suppose to really help, using the same slogan and approach for different problems and different types of people? I know as an Occupational Therapist when I would evaluate my patient, I would not set up a one size fits all approach for them, each patient I had, I tailored a specific program for their individual needs.  This is the only true way of dealing with problems, diseases, and conditions.

How I see it is as follows, if you are broken and that would be 99.9% of our population, you can’t just give them a scripture, tell them to trust God and let Jesus in your heart and all would be okay. For instance, we had a Christian friend that we reached out to, one of the many, whom of course were not equipped to deal with our issues, was kind enough to talk to us on the phone, but he himself still struggled with an addiction, his was pornography and masturbation. His solution was to repent after each session that he had, but he felt he was getting closer in increments to accomplish his goal, that blew my mind, to say the least. So what is all this redemption salvation scenario people speak of, when in fact, people are still struggling and battling, so how is Christ really helping here?  In fact, Paul has done some research and the Church has 70% of their Church members ie Christian men, who still struggle with porn addiction and masturbation, leaders included.

Paul has been really struggling with letting go of his feminine expression, he feels like he has to numb himself to take on this full on “role of Paul”  He understands now that he is not a woman, and is at peace with who he is, but hates wearing full-on men’s clothing and having to take on a masculine role, a role that he has never fully embraced.  He loves his body, his new healthy lifestyle of working out and being vegetarian, but enjoys a more feminine expression and not having to be the dominant one in our relationship. Christianity pushes men to embrace their masculinity at all cost, even if they have none, forcing them to marry have kids and lead the life of a spiritual leader even though they don’t have it in them. This is a problem and creates the many issues we see today, the same goes for women but on the opposite spectrum.

I on the other hand am full out alpha, love being the leader, hate feminine clothing and frankly, am too tired of fighting what my body does naturally now and that is growing body and facial hair.  I am being told how beautiful I am by my new Christian sisters, and I appreciate their kind hearts, but people, I do own a mirror and frankly, I don’t like what I see or feel. Am I to fight this for the rest of my life all in the name of Jesus? I am sure the Christ does not want me to suffer on behalf of what hormones have done to my body. I am a woman, I know this, I have struggled with this for a while now, this is my third attempt to detransition, and frankly, yes there is a detransition taking place, but each detransition looks different for everyone.  I don’t have the money nor the pain tolerance to continue fighting what is now permanent.

Paul’s guilt and the need for his children in his life lead  him to seek a change, yet the reception he has received from his ex-wife and kids is not only disappointing but let’s just say, Paul is heartbroken. Many of you may say, well he deserves what he gets, he was the one that left his wife and kids. Well, no, she divorced him and told him to leave. A Christian woman is supposed to love her husband through it all, be patient and loving, her words to Paul when Paul contacted her as of late, were: “We burried you and have moved on”. I was expecting for her as a Christian woman to be forgiving and happy that her ex-husband had been redeemed, but oh no, her ego was much more important and her revenge a bigger motivator.  She feels the only way she can get back at him, is by poisoning those kids  minds and making their father seem like a demon. Those kids barely want to speak to their father, it’s like pulling teeth during their biweekly phone conversations. It’s all about Paul asking them questions, wanting to know  more about them and their lives, while they just give one-liner or yes or a no. We were originally going to move to Tennessee to be near them, and his ex’s response was ” ah I don’t think so”, so it is apparent, they don’t want him in their lives, they have moved on, nothing to see here folks.

All of their Christian friends seem to side on her behalf and are still pretty standoffish towards Paul. My take on all of this is as Paul’s new wife is that I have had to deal with Paul’s many, should I say, quirks and characteristics, yet I still hold on steadfast and love him through it all. He is a difficult man to understand, one minute he is here, the next he is there. He is a deep thinker and can change his mind about things from one minute to the next. Paul is not an easy person to love, but I love him more than life itself. I have been there for him from the moment he fell off that mountain to his every changing proposition, being by his side through good times and bad. I deal with all of his pain, confusions, fears, guilt and everything that life has thrown his way. To love someone is to love them through the good and the bad, in sickness or in health. In the end, I feel Paul and I are very much alike and were destined to be together, what he lacks, I gain and vice versa. We compliment each other, our love has proven the test of time with the many challenges we have had to endure. Many may say that we are unstable, that we change our minds all of the time, and  yes we do change our minds as we grow and learn while trying to find our balance.

Life is not easy for anyone that I am sure, many are too afraid to speak their mind, to ride the ride that we call life. I know my mother held on to the same job she hated for years till she retired, all to receive her retirement fund, I can’t live that way. I rather take risks, than to stay stagnant just because it is safe.

So where do we go from here? We don’t know, we tend to, as of late, to just take life one day at a time. We don’t like what we see in the Christian community and aim to bring awareness of those things we see that need change. We continue to move along with our advocacy of bringing awareness in the LGBT community. To try to find real solutions to the real problems that many of us face in this community, how that looks is yet to be determined. We are learning as we go along. We won’t apologize for our actions and words because, we were just following our path and that is how we felt back then, each day bringing a new awareness and lesson. We are truth seekers and truth seekers will stop at nothing to find truth and kick over any unturned stone in our path, in order to discover our truth.

Till Next Time

Maritza AKA Mark